I’d Like to Call this my Rebellious Phase

As you know, Daniel, a few weeks ago I finally did something I’ve been wanting to do since I was a teenager.

I finally got my lip pierced.

When I was in middle school I wanted to be a cool punk kid so bad. I wanted to be dark and mysterious. I wanted to wear all black and die my hair a funky color and pierce my face, but a lack of money and fear of authority kept me from living my dream. The closest I got to being a rebellious teenager was getting a ‘C’ in a science class and piercing my ears twice. Not the most effective way to show that I’m edgy and cool. After a few years of trying, I gave up and went back to being a nerdy, advanced placement student with perfect grades and glasses.

Well despite the fact it’s been more than a decade since middle school and I spent all of college as the same nerdy girl, I still dream of being a cool and edgy person.

Of course, over the years the dream has changed a little bit. My ideal self wears less black and no longer has an eyebrow or nose bridge piercing, but the idea is still the same. Basically, I want to stand out. I’ve spent most of my life trying desperately to fade into the background for fear of ruining my life. The idea that my appearance could keep me from getting jobs or making friends loomed over my head and kept me in place.

Well now I’m ready to be seen for who I am. And I’m ready in every sense of the word.

Now that I’m an adult, with a stable career and now parental supervision, I can do whatever I want. I cut my hair short, I pierced my nose, I got more tattoos, and I finally pierce my lip. I still worry a little about my work superiors getting upset about my appearance, but I’m also confident enough now in my professional abilities to know that it would take more than a lip stud to get me fired.

Anyway, I feel like piercing my lip was the start of my second rebellious phase. I had a very mild one in middle school and now I’m really going at it in my late twenties. Took me fourteen years to get my shit together, but I finally did and now I’m trying to make my middle school self proud.

If I met my thirteen-year-old self, she would either be very impressed or very intimidated by the way I look now, which is exactly what I’m going for.

Now I just have to wait for it to heal up so I can drink beer again. It’s tough being this cool. Sacrifices have to be made for the sake of looking punk.

Sorry for the short post, Dan. Been a busy week.

-EMS

 

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Your GM Screen is More Important Than You

I’m now GMing two campaigns that have made it past their opening missions and will be delving into the world at large.  I have made a significant goof because I’ll never have free time again.

Its great inspiration for a dungeon crawl though.

 

But its fulfilling.  Its fun to write.  This medium is especially rewarding when your players are as into it as you are.  As a GM I really want to try and have my players be immersed, invested, and enabled.  But GM styles are for another post!  Probably sooner than later since I love talking about RP games.

A big part of my work is trying to be prepared for my players, as well as enhance their experience.  I am constantly trying to find new ways to improve the game play and the flow.  When something trips us up, I try and remember it so I can brainstorm how to move past it.  As an example, I do “ratchet battle maps” with tiny grid paper and thumbtacks.  I recently bought a new compliment of colored travel pins, just so everyone can be a different color instead of everyone being the same color with numbers drawn next to them.

I felt that the GM screen I had didn’t have the things I wanted on it.  One of my great investments of the year was commissioning and purchasing a wooden GM screen from our friend Mark.  He’s damned good at wood work.  I designed a GM screen with the ability to change inserts and paid Mark to build it for me.

So now I have it and I produced my own Rogue Trader inserts.  The information I want is now readily at hand.

Since I started GMing Dungeons and Dragons (5th Edition) at Nemo, I have slowly been brainstorming designing my own inserts for that game as well.  Then I started thinking about how interesting and powerful a concept the GM screen really is.

When I have to improvise, or assist a player in their task, my first instinct is to scan my GM screen for the information I need.  If I find it- great!  If I don’t, I make something up.  You should be improvising the story and interactions- not improvising the rules. Hear me out.

I’d guess that I’m approximately 75 – 80% fluent in the rules for Rogue Trader and coming up on that same fluency for DnD.  With that level of knowledge in my brain, its still strange that I look at the GM screen first, but I always do.  Like a spreadsheet “Where’s Waldo” I desperately skim my charts hoping to find the ruling I need.

What used to happen before was I wouldn’t find the information I’d need so I’d change the situation to suit the rules I had placed in front of me.  I could look it all up, but I don’t want to halt the situation so I can figure out if the penalty for juggling while on a motorcycle is -10 or -20.

“Oh wait- you want this to be a team attack?”

I made mention that I like to try and have the game-play be fluid so we don’t have to constantly open rule books and make judgment calls.  I want my players focused on role-playing, not focused on the rules.  This is what I wanted to get the custom GM screen for.  I want to think about the story, not be sitting there going “uhhhhh” while I try and find a ruling or a challenge level.

My GM screen has also quietly influenced which rules I use a lot and which I kind of let fall to the wayside (I find less important).  Narrative time movement as an example.  You go to the building, and I don’t really care how fast you get there in minutes.  My customized GM screen for Rogue Trader has also introduced a lot more elements to my GM style that I think enhances things.  For instance, the official GM screen for Rogue Trader doesn’t have a comprehensive list of the skills.  So I always had to try and recall the skill list when my players were trying to do something.  And I would constantly forget that some skills exist- like Inquiry or Logic- and I started letting players use other skills for that.

I’ve added my own list and now I use a wider breadth of skills that lets my players feel like their skill upgrades are more useful.  I’ve added the rule blocks for ship morale.  I’ve added the rules block for NPC disposition and information recall.  I’m sure for my players the experience rapidly shifted.  I have a lot more role-play and interaction rules directly in front of me, which I use to make my players make more nuanced choices.

I highly recommend you get a customizable GM screen if you run a campaign.  Think carefully on how you want your campaign played and structure your GM screen that way.  And you don’t even have to get a fancy hard wood one!  Customizable sleeve and white board screens exist.

I want to reiterate this sentence.

“What used to happen before was I wouldn’t find the information I’d need so I’d change the situation to suit the rules I had placed in front of me.”

I don’t think you should ever make an improvisational adjustment to a core scene or beat simply because you have the rules for shooting in front of you instead of negotiation.  You have carefully crafted your beats, scenes, and acts to have specific effects- changing them at the last second undoes all of your work and potentially fucks your story line up.

As an example:

“Your players walk into a bar to meet a man whom has information on the local port administrator whom is skimming tolls.  The players recognize the man and the very first thing that Soldier does is point a gun at him and threaten him.  Well- as the GM you were prepared for a negotiation, not intimidation.  So what do you do?  Glancing at your GM screen, you don’t readily see anything that helps you- but you do see the rules for grappling.  You think: ‘this really pisses the Man off, so he’s gonna retaliate with a grapple and a knife to the mans throat!  It’ll make a point of don’t fuck with me!’  Your NPC grabs the player, but then the rest of the players kill him.  Your whole scene went to shit because you had to improvise, you picked a convenient ruling not the correct one, and now everything is much harder because the NPC with the information died.”

“That ruined my mastah plan.”

The flavor of your campaign isn’t solely a vision in your mind or a glint in your eye.  Structure and story matter the most, but remember- in your moments where you are caught off guard by the situation, just remember where your eyes fall first and put the information you want there.  You want your improvisation to be supported by the rules, not have your improvisation affected by them.

And don’t put the grapple rules next to the NPC disposition chart.

-DTM

I Need a Back Up Plan

A few weeks ago I talked about my slow descent into bro-dom. I was training for a half marathon, I was drinking daily protein shakes, and I was tracking my nutrient intake. I was so excited and ready to take on the world.

Well, the descent has stopped. Last week, I injured my shoulder and upper back. No, I didn’t hurt myself during a workout or on a run. I am pretty sure I slept on my neck wrong, which makes this infinitely more infuriating.

Anyway, I went to the doctor to get some painkillers so I could actually sleep and she told me I should take it easy for a while. If I kept working out, I might just hurt myself worse.

I was on the verge of having a toddler-esque tantrum when she said that. I didn’t want to stop running and working out. I was just starting to get into a good rhythm with my running schedule and suddenly I have to stop because I accidentally slept the wrong way.

This fucking sucks.

Since I got the news I’ve been complaining a lot to my friends. Most of my friends are sympathetic, but a few have said things like, “Look on the bright side! You get a break from running!”

No, shut up. There is no bright side to this.

Of course I understand they’re trying to lift my spirits, but it’s obvious that they don’t understand why I run. Yes, I run to maintain my weight and stay healthy, but underneath all of that my real reason for running is because it helps me cope with my anxiety.

I am an incredibly anxious and controlling person. I constantly worry about the future, what I’ve done in the past, and everything in between. I’m also the kind of person that will completely take over a project because someone else isn’t doing it right. It’s my way or the highway. Yeah, I’m that asshole.

b51e77d55d22be79491f98404e6d1989Over the past few years, I’ve been getting much better at handling my anxiety because I’ve found a healthy way to work off my nervous energy: running. I like to run because it redirects all of the energy I put towards worrying towards something mindless and calming. When I’m working out, all I’m thinking about is how my body feels and moves. For a few hours, I’m not thinking about all of the things in the world I can’t control.

Well, now I can’t run and I feel like a volcano that’s about to erupt and spew crazy all over the people in my life.

Yesterday I had a crazy day. I had a lot to do at work and I had to take our ferrets into the vet and it just felt like everything was against me. I could feel myself getting tense and panicky and I couldn’t do anything about it. Michael tried to calm me down, but I wasn’t having it. All I wanted to do was go out and run or lift up heavy things or climb something, but I couldn’t.

Did I say this fucking sucks?

Yesterday evening, I kept trying to think of other things I could do to redirect my nervous energy and kept coming up blank. I’ve tried crocheting, cleaning, reading, and yoga, but nothing seems to be working. I need a back up and I don’t have one.

a4a952aa79bd0e37775e715541bd93efBasically, I just want to feel normal again. I want to go back to my normal routine. I’m tired of people telling me that I need to take care of myself. I was taking care of myself! What do they think I was doing when I was out on my runs? I was taking care of my mental state and now I can’t do that anymore because I have to take care of my body.

This sucks!

So my plan for the next few weeks is to look for something I can do that will help me take care of my mind and body. I need something that will help me work off my anxiety while not tying more knots into my back muscles.

I just want to go for a run.

-EMS

 

Writers Block?!

“I don’t believe in writers block.  Do plumbers get plumbers block?”

— Django Wexler

So writing has been my new big hobby.  I am now running two campaigns and write in one of two blogs each week.  I am slowly drafting a real book or novella.  I am in the middle of Story by Robert McKee, a book about crafting story and making the most of your words.

I was bound to encounter this writers block I kept hearing about.  And its proving a difficult thing to overcome!  Specifically I’m encountering this with the Rogue Trader campaign.  I have a ton of content written up already and is just waiting for me to flesh out, but the last story arc of the campaign is eluding me.  I’ve work-shopped it a couple times, and the ideas are pretty alright, but I’m having quite a time trying to fill out interesting and unique quests.

Past posts I’ve made have put forward the strong ideas I have about narrative and goals in story writing.  My goals for the Rogue Trader campaign are to have a campaign that my players have a vested interest in, and I always want it to be actionable by the players.  The moment that I run a campaign and I’ve talked for more than five minutes I feel like I’ve failed.  Its a role playing game, and I never want to have my players become bored listening to me talk.

I want to keep my players engaged, and much like a video game, I keep trying to play to their innate desires as characters and players.  Players want to have fun and do things while their characters can have fun, emotional arcs through the story.  My players with few exceptions give me very little to work on that front.  I’ve asked them for more to work with and I’ve begun role-playing exercises meant to try and make them think about their characters in complex ways.  However, this has availed me very little.

I press on though, and that’s suitable.  I feel like I’ve blown through all of my unique ideas though.  The remaining ideas I have for quests don’t align or link up to form grand, overarching ideas.  It feels mishmashed and I hate it.  The quests I want to write have interconnecting threads, themes, and motivations that make sense and are possible.

I don’t want to fill in the blanks with meaningless filler just to navigate towards something I want to do.  Tools like that cheapen the effect I’m going for.

I hate NPC’s that have emotions or motivations that translate to “convenient for the GM.”  Having combat encounters for the sake of keeping the players entertained is almost always a poor idea, at least in Rogue Trader.  If I have a hive gang attack because they are looking to score some cash, the players will assume that they must’ve been sent by somebody.

I can’t really elaborate on the questline I need to flesh out because one to two of my players read this and it would be wiiiiiiiiild spoilers.  I have some cool moments I want to navigate through and I don’t want to rob them of the experience.

There are a number of things I’ve read about doing to try and clear my problem but it doesn’t feel like it works.

  • Keep writing anyway.  Stuck on one part?  Write another until the problem clears itself up!

My issue is that my next big hurdle is campaign order and structure.  Which quests happen in which order.  Since I don’t even know what the individual quests hold, I can’t even do placeholders!  Maybe I’m over thinking it?

  • Back up and try something else.  Write a bunch of scenarios and see which one is the best!

This has failed me.  All the scenarios I write feel like they lose something personal and begin to feel like filler.  If a scene or an act doesn’t have a premise and a meaningful conclusion I feel like its pointless.  Now I get as a role-playing game these things can be fun because the players make it their own but all I keep coming up with is “Go to location.  Do the thing.  Return.”

But its Rogue Trader so I need to try and write things in such a way that the players don’t fly away out of boredom or blow it all to hell.  This is why Dark Heresy is the #1 Warhammer 40k system: there are no fucking spaceships.

  • Don’t try and jump in and write.  Make the outline, then the draft, then write it.

I love this one, and its how I actually usually write my quests.  This is what I’ve been currently trying but since I’m stuck with even the core idea of the quest line I still feel stuck, even when I begin to list out segments and settings.

On top of all of this: the campaign is continually marching on.  I can’t take a month to work on it since my players expect to play every other Saturday.  And if I take a month off to work on it, something else will fill that RPG void and I’ll lose my platform to run my campaign.

I acknowledge that I’m probably wildly overthinking this.  My difficult has always been brainstorming and coming up with ideas.  I’ve never felt deeply creative.  Many of my friends are an endless font of inspiration and ideas, but I feel like I struggle to even come up with set pieces.

My players are finally on the trail of the story at large.  I’m hoping this is the event that kicks my brain into gear.  I usually produce good work at the eleventh hour.  I learned this in college- all nighters were my bread and butter.  I don’t want to work that way, but we will certainly see what happens.

-DTM

Who I Want to Be When I Grow Up

I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen Parks and Rec, Daniel. If you haven’t, I highly recommend it. The characters are genuine, the humor is funny without being offensive, and somehow the story is both hilarious and deeply moving. I am not exaggerating when I say that watching this show has changed my life. This show taught me how to love myself and how to love the people around me.

It also gave me a new role model. When I grow up, I want to be just like Leslie Knope.

giphy

Leslie Knope is a wonderful woman who spends her energy trying to make the world a better place for the people around her. She’s kind, she’s supportive, she’s ambitious, and she’s always excited about her next adventure.

I know I’ll never be exactly like Leslie because I don’t have an endless reservoir of bubbliness inside me and I’m definitely not assertive enough to be a leader. But I can be generous and ambitious in my own way.

Recently, I’ve been planning out elaborate parties and making things for the people around me just because. I’ve been crocheting afghans, planning surprise parties, and buying tiny gifts for my friends because I want to see them smile. While I’m still nowhere near Leslie’s level of generosity in the show, I feel like she would be proud of me because instead of focusing on myself, I’m thinking of the people in my life. I’m showing them that I care about them without being ashamed of my love.

I’m also continuing to push myself to try new things every day. I know that I can sometimes get complacent, especially now that I have my degree and a comfortable job. It’s so easy to lose focus sometimes or forget that there are still things to work for. So everyday I remind myself that Leslie never lost focus. Everything she did, she did to reach a goal and that’s how I want to live my life.

As you know, I’m training for a half marathon right now. Lots of people have wished me luck. Others have asked me why I would do this to myself. I’m doing this because I want to be able to say I ran a half marathon. That’s it, that’s the reason I’m working so hard. Sometimes people won’t understand why you’re working for something and Leslie Knope taught me that, despite what they say, you keep going. Don’t give up.

tenorOf course, Leslie does have her faults. Except, instead of being ashamed of her faults she embraces them. Instead of stubbornly ignoring her flaws, she understands that sometimes she needs help and she reaches out to her loved ones for it rather than pretending she’s perfect. Leslie can be controlling, anxious, obsessive, and self-centered, but none of these things make her an unlovable person because she works every day to make sure they don’t define her.

Damn. Talk about #goals, am I right?

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be perfect. I rarely challenge myself because I’m afraid of failing and I never talk about my fears with the people around me because that would mean I’m flawed. For a majority of my life, I’ve equated being flawed with being unlovable.

giphy1Watching Parks and Rec helped me realize that wasn’t the case. Seeing Leslie Knope struggle with her own flaws and still succeed helped me realize that I can still be a good person without being perfect 100 percent of the time.

Basically, what I learned from Leslie Knope is that sometimes it’s better to be remembered as a fun, generous person rather than a perfect human being who can do no wrong. I want my friends and family to think of me and smile or be inspired or just feel warm and fuzzy rather than remember how skilled or smart I am.

When I grow up, I want to be Leslie Knope.

-EMS

 

Why Acolyte is Gone.

Acolyte was my Dungeons and Dragons character for my buddies role-playing campaign.  He was a seven foot tall automaton made of metal.  Metal that resembled ribbons wrapped around the body of some humanoid.  The metal was a deep, copper color.  He had no discernible facial features, but you could still feel his gaze upon you.  His voice was deep and reverberated within his metal frame.

Acolyte had awoken at the base of a very tall cliff.  He was wearing robes that he innately recognized as belonging to a monk monastery.  He wandered for a time, wondering where he was and how he had gotten here.  On the peripheral: he also wondered what he was and what was he for?

He traveled for a handful of days before stumbling upon a caravan of dwarves.  They were gracious enough to escort Acolyte to the nearby town of Antimor, a small village on their trade route.  It was in Antimor that he was wrangled, along with some other adventurers, to go and kill some feral dogs.  After tracking the dogs and purging a small village of goblins, the adventurers returned to town of Antimor to find it empty and filled with dead bodies.  As if the town had been ransacked a century ago, everything was faded and covered in dust.  The bodies had shriveled into skeletons.  It was then that an apparition appeared, sending several adventurers sprawling into unconsciousness, and marking the rest with an omen from the Goddess of Destruction, Yarsk.

Acolyte traveled for a time with the adventurers, but after realizing that he had no place with this party and or even within this civilization- he decided to leave.

The important thing to remember was that Acolyte was approximately 6 weeks old.  He could speak and have cognitive thought, but everything in this world was shiny and new.  More importantly he did not understand how all of these humanoids interact and deal with one another.  He had vague memories of monasteries so the only place that Acolyte really felt comfortable was at a monastery they stumbled upon.

What ultimately led to Acolytes departure was that the players and the GM had a different vision for what my character was supposed to be like.

For those who are DnD savvy, Acolyte had a 9 (-1 MOD) Charisma.  He was brusque and intimidating, and when he did make a charisma roll it never went well.  To me, I interpreted this as, “Acolyte does not understand the world and has a lot to learn.”

I tried to play Acolyte carefully.  I tried to role-play him as a newcomer who observes and attempts to imitate what he sees and experiences.  The bard in our party, Hugh Halfnir, a half human half orc half halfling, thought I was some sort of a game, so he was constantly putting money in me like a Plinko machine.  The barbarian, Mustafa Covfefe, was always trying to intimidate people.

Acolyte saw these interactions consistently and deduced that the language of the land was gold, and failing that, you used your strength to get what you wanted.  And this worked to great effect for other people!  The combined effort of several party members managed to negotiate 30 GP into 100 GP as a reward once.

We made it to the next large city and Acolyte began his own investigation into various things.  For Acolyte though, greasing palms, attempted bribes, and intimidation did nothing but fail outright.

There was a dwarf who recognized this weapon I was carrying.  The weapon was used in an assassination, so Acolyte tried to press him.  The dwarf clearly seemed to recognize the dagger, but he refused gold and told me to leave.  So I made a very good threat: “Tell me what you know, or I will tell everyone that you sold me this weapon [that you fear].”

I didn’t get a dice roll.  I got threatened right back with force and a summoning of the city guard.  Another PC chastised me for my behavior.  That was disheartening.  The other PC’s don’t get chastised for intimidating people (even when it fails).

What the GM did was attempt to hand wave Acolytes misunderstandings by saying, “Over the walk back [another character] tells you everything about when its good or bad to bribe someone or give them gold.”

That was approximately the time I realized that I wouldn’t be playing Acolyte for very long.  The GM had his own formulated idea and perception about my character and was attempting to use his GM powers to affect my behavior.

Acolyte did not consume food, but he did consume purified metals.  I was almost always critically low on food, so eventually I had to find some blacksmiths.  There are two big companies in town.  One of the people I failed to intimidate the session prior was one of said blacksmiths.  The two blacksmiths shops were across the street from one another.  For obvious reasons, I enter the shop of the blacksmith I didn’t upset.

There was a counter with weapon shelves, and the blacksmith proper was behind huge leather curtains.  I asked for ore, got the normal confusion that comes with any purchase, and then the man went to the back out of sight.  So I followed him.  There were men back there and anvils I guess?  I was yelled at to leave immediately.  I reiterated that I was here to purchase iron ore.  They ended up shoving me (pushing me, I was quite heavy) back into the antechamber.  They then demanded that I leave.  Don’t come back.

I went to the dwarf I pissed off.  He recognized me, and actually apologized for being so curt with me before.  I ask for iron ore again.  He said he might have some in the back.  I insisted he get it for me.  Again- he might have some in the back.  The dwarf didn’t head back for it (he was helping someone else) so Acolyte decided he’d go to the back.  But!  He had learned his lesson!

He went around the back of the shop and found a backdoor, and knocked instead.  Two of the PCs assumed I was going to break into the shop, followed me, and began to tell me to stop what I was doing.  The dwarf came to the back door, I requested iron, and then he told me to fuck off for being rude.

Three interactions where I didn’t get to roll a single time to persuade, deceive, or intimidate.

So the GM’s NPC’s are reacting to Acolytes actions with confusion and anger. But as the player- I get it.  I’m doing it on purpose because I want to have the opportunity to learn things from these interactions.  All I encounter is a world telling me to stop.  I have several other characters telling me to stop doing things like that as well.

I don’t blame them for what they have been doing.  They can only play their characters and or run the world.  They all perceive me as something other than what I’m playing.  I think my character was too nuanced.  But not in way that they couldn’t understand, too complex of an idea to successfully come across in a role-playing game.  The other players and the GM don’t see my inner workings or see my notes, so all they get to interact with is what I present them with.  They treated my character like an adult, when really, he is only 6 weeks old.

There was a solid disconnect between Acolyte and everyone else.  So I figured the easiest thing to do was quietly retire the naive Acolyte for someone who was more suited to this party and the world.  I’m not really mad at anyone, just stopped having fun trying to make my character fun.

People immediately shifted to attempting to talk me out of it by saying that they liked Acolyte.  But that’s not the point.  The Acolyte I want to role-play isn’t the Acolyte they want to see.

The GM especially was trying to convince me to role play him differently, citing that my 11 INT and 19 WIS meant that Acolyte wasn’t stupid.  But those numbers on the page don’t mean shit!  Acolyte is 6 weeks old.  Intelligence and Wisdom are just fancy names that encompass a myriad of different mental faculties.  Acolyte was logical and perceptive, but he wasn’t truly intelligent or understanding.  I thought it was a wild party foul for the GM to tell me how to play my characters personality.

But in the face of a world that rejects Acolyte, Acolyte decided it made more sense that he just go attempt to solve the conflict on his own.  He left the party at the tavern they were staying and set off into the night.  It appears though, that he died mere minutes after walking away.

There was a bridge crossing a river near the tavern.  In the morning, the players came outside and noticed a gathering at the bridge.  They found Acolytes arm and some strange stains on the bridge.  He had been killed or captured, within eyesight of the tavern.

So my new character is going to try on purpose to meet the needs of the world and the party.  Its a much simpler character idea so I hope that it comes across well, and that he meshes nicely.  Here’s to hoping I can enjoy the DnD campaign as it progresses.

-DTM

My Slow Descent into Bro-dom

I have some very, very bad news to share with you today, Daniel. Something terrible has happened to me and I just realized the gravity of the situation earlier this week. I don’t know how this happened, but it has, and it’s time for me to admit it to the world. I must also say farewell to my spare cash and spare time.

This week, I realized I am slowly becoming athletic.

I know you must be very shocked. How could this have happened? I was so careful!

As a child, I took all the necessary precautions to avoid this horrible fate. I cheated on the mile tests in gym class, I waived all of my physical education requirements in high school, and I even went so far as to avoid the outdoors as much as possible.

But I caught it. I caught athleticism and now there’s no turning back.

I just realized my fate this week, but looking back this really started after college. I was looking for new hobbies to fill the void that school had left in my life and I foolishly decided to sign up for a 5k run. After I crossed that finish line, I placed myself on a very slippery slope to being a true bro.

Over the years, my urge to be athletic has come and gone. I’ve run 5ks, 10ks, 12ks, and regretfully one sprint triathlon, but up until this past month it had been very casual. I was a jogger at best, nothing more.

Well last month I ran a 5k and at the end I was given a flyer for a half marathon in October. I don’t know what came over me! Suddenly, I had signed up for it! I had plugged a half marathon into my new Nike training app!

I was training for a half marathon.

*cue dramatic music*

It got even worse this week. This week I ran 3.75 miles as part of my training program and afterwards I felt very tired and sore. I decided something had to be done, so I went to my friend who has been afflicted with bro-dom for some time now and asked for advice. She suggested looking into protein supplements.

Instead of scoffing and telling her I didn’t need anything like that, I agreed. I went out a bought a blender bottle. I’ve purchased samples of protein powder in multiple flavors. I have done a ton of research into runner supplements and the proper way to recover from a long run.

This was the final nail in my coffin, Daniel. I am officially an athlete. I am officially a bro.

Soon things will begin to change. The transformation into a true bro will start. I will start wearing snap-backs and baggy tank tops that show off my arms. I will start lifting weights and planning out my week based on what part of my body I need to work on. I will never again be able to skip leg day.

Let my story be a cautionary tale to all. Never exercise, never go outside, never let a protein shake touch your lips otherwise you will fall victim to the same fate I have. My spare time and spare cash are gone, devoured by my affliction. I will spend my days chasing that next endorphin high and the perfect running form.

There’s no hope for me now, Daniel. All I ask is that you think of me while you’re enjoying a nice movie or video game from the comfort of your own home. While you’re relaxing, I’ll be out there somewhere sampling new athletic supplements and buying fancy runners’ socks.

What a terrible, terrible fate.

-EMS