Weird Ways to Figure Yourself Out

I don’t know about you, Daniel, but it feels like I have an identity crisis at least once per day. I wake up and think to myself, “Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Should I get up and do my hair or sleep an extra twenty minutes?”

Sometimes, I wish that there was a test I could take that would just tell me who I am and what I should do. Yes, when we were kids there were those career aptitudes test, but the one I took told me I should be a vending machine mechanic. Yeah, I wasn’t exactly impressed with that particular test.

Anyway, thankfully we live in the age of the internet and there are plenty of ways we can define ourselves using handy dandy charts and Buzzfeed quizzes. So, for today’s post, I went through and found out everything I could about myself. And let me tell you, it was incredibly informative!


Scorpios are determined, forceful, emotional, intuitive, powerful, passionate, exciting, and magnetic.

Let’s start out with my zodiac. I’ve never been big into astrology, but I do check my horoscope once in awhile and I love taking those stupid Buzzfeed quizzes that tell you what you should be for Halloween based on your zodiac or something like that.

I’m not sure I 100% relate to how Scorpios are describe. I’m not exactly powerful or exciting, but I feel like I’m a pretty determined and passionate person when I want to be. However, one thing I have noticed about being a Scorpio is that, for some reason, everyone thinks we’re evil or cruel. Whenever I see one of those Tumblr posts that categorizes people based on their sign, I ALWAYS end up being something dark or scary or evil. Which, as a horror movie junkie, I’m fine with, I just want to know WHY.

Is is because my sign looks like the distant relative of the Xenomorphs from Alien? Is is because my star sign includes Halloween? I have no idea, but there’s a trend.

zodiac hatred

Apparently I hate everyone and don’t try to hide it.

space elements zodiac

First of all, rude. Second of all, did Tumblr just call me fat? 

harmful zodiac

Wait, so I look harmful? 

zodiac norse myth

Death and the underworld. Can’t say I’m surprised…

zodiac star wars

I was born at the end of October and that means I’m Sith. Why? Because I’m a Scorpio that’s why! 

Tumblr is just fucking rude.


Water signs are emotional, intuitive, creative, and empathetic. They cannot connect with people and have a hard time disconnecting from stress.

Now a person’s element is also based on their astrological sign and Scorpio just happens to be a water sign. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because scorpions spend a lot of their time near water, waiting for an unsuspecting frog to come by and give them a ride.

Did you get that reference or am I a huge nerd? It’s probably both.

Anyway, I feel like I relate more to my elemental sign than to Scorpios. I consider myself very empathetic and creative and I also have the HARDEST time connecting with people. I also never disconnect from stress. Hell, I didn’t even know that people could disconnect from stress until I was in my mid-twenties. I thought everyone lived in a constant state of panic, but apparently that’s just me.

Ivy: The Survivor (Celtic Zodiac)

People born under the Ivy sign have sharp intellects and are compassionate and loyal to others. They have the prized ability to overcome all odds.

Now, I hadn’t heard of the Celtic zodiac until I went searching for all this information. I thought I was a Scorpio and that’s it, but I’m also an Ivy. This one I relate to WAY MORE than I do to the description of a Scorpio. I feel like I have a somewhat sharp intellect and I am definitely compassionate and loyal to the people I love and care about. Do I have the prized ability to overcome all odds? That’s yet to be decided, considering the most trying thing I’ve ever experienced in my life was getting a C in my middle school science class.

INFJ: The Advocate (Myers Briggs)

Advocates tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this type are found engaging in rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the root of the issue.

The Myers Briggs personality test is probably the most famous of all the tests out there. It’s so common that I’ve heard of employers asking people to take the test to see how he or she would fit into the team.

I took it a while back and ended up being an Advocate, which at first completely threw me off. I’m definitely not forceful or aggressive when it comes to standing up for myself or for other people, so how in the world could I be a good advocate? Well, after reading the description, I kind of get it. I definitely enjoy helping people in need and I always try to find the root of an issue rather than just treating the symptom. I can see why I ended up in this category.

However, the test told me I would make a good nurse or healthcare professional and I just have to say fuck that.

Server (Soul Type)

Servers are accommodating, caring, nurturing, hospitable, charitable

Apparently my soul is a server, which just confirms that my results on the Myers Briggs test were accurate. I’m definitely an accommodating and caring person.

Still not going into healthcare though.

Type Six: The Loyalist (Enneagram Institute)

Loyalists are committed, security-oriented, engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious.

Again, I feel like this test just proves that I am an advocate by nature. I’ve been told I’m an incredibly responsible person, almost to a fault. I’m also incredibly anxious and suspicious of anything new or different.

Basically, I’m a neurotic dog, except instead of destroying your couch or eating your shoes, I crochet things and pick fights with people who try to get me to do new things.

Melancholic (Four Temperaments)

People of melancholic temperament are introverted and thoughtful and are perceived as overly pondering and favoring routine.


Wait? Is this what my face looks like? 

This is based on the incredibly old and medically-debunked theory that the body contains four humors: melancholic, choleric, sanguine, and phlegmatic. Hippocrates believed that our personalities and emotions were affected by these four humors going in and out of balance.

Well, according to this theory, I have an excessive amount of black bile in my system, making me melancholic. I have no idea how much black bile I have in me right now, but I 100% relate to the description of a melancholic person. I am incredibly introverted and thoughtful and I favor routine so much I’ve literally gotten into fights with people when they try to change my schedule. Next time I pick a fight I’m just going to blame all the black bile I have in me.

Neutral Good (Moral Alignment)

Devoted to helping others and doing good, without bias toward or against order.


I am 1000% okay with being Captain Mal. 

Yes, exactly. If I was a Dungeons and Dragons character I would be neutral good. I would be a neutral good wizard or something like that. Love it.

So there you go, Daniel! I’ve figured myself out with the help of strangers on the internet. I feel so much better.




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