The Sad Ferret Diary

Today, I thought I would share an excerpt from the diary of my ferret, Crush. I would also share some from his brother, Bandit, but Bandit is much better at hiding his diary.

Dear Diary,

Today, I spent four hours scratching at the bottom of my cage in an attempt to dig a hole. It has been 147 days since I began this endeavor, and the floor has not even begun to wear. I am tired, but I will persevere. I must find a way to freedom for my brother and I. I must.

Dear Diary,

I awoke last night from a terrifying dream. Doors were opening and closing all around me and I could not keep track of my humans. Despite all of my attempts to rip through the door, I could not. I woke up, afraid and sought out my brother. I laid across him, my butt on his face, as per protocol, and fell back to sleep. I hope the doors remain open in my future dreams.

Dear Diary,

The humans let me out today, but would not let me poop in the corner behind the arm chair. I tried and tried and tried, but they would pick me up and put me back into our box of coarse sand. They do not seem to understand my work, my art. I can only express myself by pooping in the shadows, and they continue to oppress my creativity. This place is hell.

Dear Diary,

I was out of the cage with my brother and I had climbed onto the sofa, looking for crumbs to eat or soda cans to knock over. Instead, I was very rudely booped with a pillow. I danced around in anger, attempting to regain my honor, but the human just found it cute and booped me again. When will I be taken seriously? When? Can’t I just have a little respect?

Dear Diary,

Today I found a tasty tidbit on the floor of the kitchen. I believe it was burnt cheese and it was delicious, at least it was until the human found me. He grabbed me and stole it right from my jaws. How dare he! I have never felt so disrespected. It was my cheese! Mine!

Dear Diary,

My dearest brother and I were playing today. We wrestled and rolled around on the carpet. It was so much fun! We found this wonderful black box and danced around inside of it. Suddenly, the box shifted and toppled over on us. It was dark and we wriggled around, desperate to be free of the awful trap. Eventually, the lady human heard up and freed us. She laughed at us. Why is she so rude?

Dear Diary,

The humans are becoming wise to our tricks. They will often pick us up and force cuddles upon us, but as you know we have lots of important ferret things to do. Sometimes, if I am very clever, I can poop behind something without being noticed! Huzzah! But today was not one of those days. When we are held captive and cannot wiggle free, we will go limp and slide out of their grasp. It can sometimes be painful, landing on the hard ground, but I must say the tactic is very useful. Or at least it was. The lady and man human have realized our tricks and cradle our backsides, preventing escape. Horrible. I cannot describe the indecency of it.

Dear Diary,

The man human rubbed delicious gel onto my belly. It tasted sweet, like berries, and I could not help but lick it off! When I was finished, I noticed my nails were shorter. Strange. Do you think the incidences are related?

Dear Diary,

I almost made it to the top of the bookshelf today. Only two more shelves to go!

Dear Diary,

The humans forgot to pick up one of the dirt pails before they let us out. I ran for it, determined to dig, dig, dig, dig it out and find the prizes I knew were hidden beneath. The lady human caught me and locked me in a room with strange plastic flooring, much like the kitchen. When I returned, the dirt buckets had vanished. I was disappointed to say the least.

 

Crush leads a very hard life.

-EMS

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